How do you think?

I am working my way through an emotional situation. That’s not really the right description, but I can’t think of a better term at the moment. It’s like this: Y….. – I have to use Y because I used X last time and if I use X again you’ll think I’m talking about X and, really, I’m trying to start a new thought here. 🙂 Okay. Take 2, from the top…. Y is behaving a certain way. This is how Y behaves. I know this. It was/is not a secret to me. But I don’t WANT Y to behave that way. I WANT Y to behave MY way. Perhaps you can see the situation? I understand full well that this is my problem, not Y’s. So I am working on MY attitude, my approach to the situation. If it were only a case of accepting that this is how Y behaves, well, that I believe I can do. But this behavior is impinging on my actions. So I have to make some decisions about what I want to do. And it’s not that easy.

But this blog isn’t about the situation or my decision. It’s about how to reach a decision. I can’t really discuss the matter with anyone. It’s personal, obviously. I can’t talk to people who know Y and I can’t talk to people who don’t know Y. It’s nobody’s business if they know us and if they don’t know both of us nothing makes sense anyway. So I’m left to my own devices. How do I refine and articulate the issue? How do I test each possible approach? How do I find an outlet for the emotional and mental energy that is boiling about in my body? I suppose I could get on the treadmill and run, but my knees would never last the course. 🙂

So I’m writing haikus. Yep, I write them in my head all day long. All night, too. I wake up and find myself thinking on this, and I start composing haikus. I write some down – the ones that seem most crystalized. I’ve begun placing them in a sequence, showing my progression. Why haikus? Because I find that the meter (5-7-5) forces me to hone my thoughts and feelings. I must search for the exact right word that denotes that aspect. I can’t run on and on and on as I do when I write. I can’t use 3 words to describe one feeling. I can’t stray from the point. I find that as I think and edit and redact and revise (see – I told you I like multiple words to describe the same thing) the muddy jumbled feelings rez into articulation.

I had the answer
Knew my way for ten minutes
Then realized I lie.

3 Responses to “How do you think?”

  1. 1 daleinnis November 13, 2008 at 9:37 pm

    Haikus are good. 🙂 Also you could talk to Y an’ say “Hey Y, you’re Qing, and I know you always Q and that’s fine, but in this case your Qing is impinging on me in ways M and N, and can we do something about that?”.

    Social algebra! 🙂

  2. 2 Chaddington Boomhauer November 14, 2008 at 8:22 am

    When it’s emotional or touchy, think of it coldly, in black and white, and make a gut decision. But don’t do anything or tell anyone. Try not to think about it anymore for a day or two. Then re-evaluate your decision and see if you still agree with yourself.

    It doesn’t always work with deadlines.

    Is Y you or someone else? You can’t dictate how someone else behaves, sometimes you have to stop watching and listening.

  3. 3 ahuva18 November 14, 2008 at 1:12 pm

    I am very touched by all the concern that has been expressed. A number of people IM’d me in world. I guess this post made me seem more distraught than I am (was, now, actually). I was mostly aggravated and annoyed – not so much unhappy. And I consider anger to be a waste of time for most things. Thank you all – I am doing okay.

    @Chadd – brilliant, you know. That is the whole key: you can’t dictate how someone else behaves. But knowing that AND accepting it are not always the same thing. 🙂 hence the haikus.

    @Dale – well, yeah, if everyone were as calm and rational as you, talking would work. 🙂 but I’m not. 🙂 so until I become calm and rational, there is no point in trying to talk. hence the haikus.

    But it may very well be that posting to this blog is equally effective as haikus. Or maybe I needed them FIRST to make me realize that it is my issue, not anyone else’s. All I know is that once I pushed the publish button, I felt much better. And hearing from all of you also helped. Because the more times I actually said out loud (okay, wrote in chat) that it was my issue and I can’t expect people to do what I want, well, the more the aggravation lifted and I began to believe it and internalize it.

    So again, thanks to you all!!!

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