I learned some very bad habits when I was young. I know they are bad. I know I shouldn’t indulge. And yet….. sometimes I just slip right back and do it again anyway. I’m talking about snarkiness. Down right disagreeableness. About feeling that things have to be some sort of notion of “fair” and “my way” even when logically that makes no sense.
Why do we hurt the people for whom we care? What is it that drives an otherwise sensible reasonable adult to deliberately attempt to provoke and hurt another? I did it again tonight. Intentionally. I opened the conversation KNOWING that I would probably be nasty, snarky and mean. WANTING to be belligerent and pick a fight. Why didn’t I just stay quiet????? I certainly don’t feel BETTER. Do I feel better thinking/hoping that I made the other person feel crummy too??? The old “misery loves company” syndrome?
So…. sigh. I don’t feel better for being snarky. Oh maybe there is one perverse part of me that DOES like having been snide. But I am sorry. Truly. Because really – I don’t want to cause hurt. Or pain. And I’m only trying to cause hurt because for whatever reason *I* feel hurt. Which makes no real sense, but when were feelings ever sensible? And none of what I said was what I really wanted to say.
One of my favorite comic strips, Rose is Rose, has a wonderful recurring bit: The dungeon of resentment. So here I sit, miserable in my dungeon of resentment. Locked there by myself. Kept there by myself. Waiting to figure out how to unlock the prison and tear down these stupid bricks that keep me from what I want.