You may have noticed that I’ve not posted here for nearly 2 weeks. I claimed to those who asked that I took a break for the High Holidays. I suppose that is true, but there is, of course, more to it than that.
On Yom Kippur those who are able fast. It is a complete fast – no food, no water. It begins at sundown and goes until after sundown the next day. A good 25 hours minimum. While you might think that going without food and water is a hardship, the REAL hardship for many of us is going without coffee. If your body is used to the morning jolt of coffee, spending a day without it leads to a headache. A very very very bad headache. So many years ago I learned to begin weaning myself off of my coffee before Yom Kippur so that I could concentrate on the holiday without trying to focus through the pain of a fierce headache.
I like very strong coffee. Dark roast. Strong. 2 cups. I began the withdrawal a day or so before Rosh Hashanah. I switched to decaf in order to satisfy the behavioral habit. I made very strong decaf (hey, there IS caffeine in decaf). I was doing okay – no headaches. 2 or 3 times between then and post-Yom Kippur I even allowed myself some REAL coffee. I thought I was doing fine.
I wasn’t doing fine. I was in misery. Rebecca Klempner says it best in her totally-on-the-mark post in Tablet magazine: “But the problem with this was that I didn’t really like myself off caffeine. I not only felt less awake, I also felt less sharp, less witty, and less creative. I navigated L.A. traffic with a fuzzy brain, I forgot to pick up the milk on the way home from carpool, and I couldn’t think of appropriate come-backs to my husband’s banter over dinner. And don’t even ask about how my writing was going. I felt like a G-rated William Burroughs deprived of his junk.” Oh, Rebecca, you speak for us all!!!
For the last 2 weeks I have been dispirited. Lethargic. I wake and I am without purpose. Everyone is wrong and horrible and mean and I am so small and overwhelmed and forgotten and everything is just too much effort and what is the point anyway and so what and who cares?
Yom Kippur ended yesterday. I broke my fast with some water after services, then a friend and I returned home and I had something to eat, a glass of wine, and some chocolate. But life was still gray and bleak.
This morning I woke to a gray world. I snarled at the cats. I dragged myself downstairs. But then – I made a cup of REAL coffee. Real strong dark coffee. And I drank it. Ahhhhhh. I made a SECOND cup and drank it. The sun rose. The air brightened. The world lightened. Flowers bloomed. Wow, I have so much energy I could tackle anything. I feel GREAT!!!!!!! And here it is, 16 hours later and I am still going strong, way too energized to sleep. Here I sit, posting to my blog. Smiling. Happy. Caffeinated.
Coffee, ah coffee!
Oh coffee coffee coffee!!!!!
coffee ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh coffee!
Thank the Universe you’re back on coffee! The rest of us are hugely relieved!
Part of me wonders if I should be concerned and try to really break this habit. But the rest of me is too busy reveling in caffeine to pay much attention.