Posts Tagged 'death'

OOTD 20150308

emotion and logic
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Sometimes those two can overlap, sometimes they are not even on the same screen. I am watching my mother suffer from medical issues that we cannot seem to alleviate. We have a theory of the cause and the progression. The solution appears beyond our grasp. I received some unexpected health information this past week. The timing was particularly poor. I expected to hear Result A. What I was told was Result B. Result B is what we believe to be the initial impetus for my mother’s condition. I was fatigued and still heavily medicated when I heard the result. Emotion rose up and throttled logic.

I know that just because I have B I may not end up like my mother. Millions of people have Result B and do not have my mother’s other issue. I know that my mother is older than I by several decades. Forewarned is forearmed and a lot can change in 30 years. I know all that. I know my doctors think that Result B is actually MUCH better than Result A because they think they can do something about B.

But.

It is not their parent lying in that bed, suffering. It is not, perhaps, their deepest fear to be trapped in a body that will not work as desired. There are compromises and there is flexibility and there is bowing to the inevitable and there is accepting life’s challenges with grace. I do understand all of that. You needn’t tell me. I KNOW. This is not about knowing. This is about feeling.
meeting of minds
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Sometimes Emotion and Logic align. I WILL ensure that I have the right to end my life with dignity when the time comes. That is my line in the sand. I’m not quitting. I’m going to continue to enjoy life and live it. I will catch the sun and sing it. But I will ensure that however, wherever, whenever the time comes – I will go gently into that good night.

Reflections

This post is one of pain.
My brother-in-law died in a car accident 2 days ago. We were not close, we did not see each other often, but all my memories of him are positive ones. He was full of life, of energy. I liked him. He was younger than I. I don’t know if he was a “good man” or not, but I do know that he did good in the world and he served his family and his country.
I lived through Sept. 11, 2001. I was in NJ. I was at work when the reports started coming in. We were watching when the airwaves went dark because transmitters fell. The fighter jets thundered overhead, shaking the building. I had to pass police barricades to get to my son. I watched people jump. I don’t need to remember. I have never ever forgotten. My soul was seared.
I read a blog today by someone I (usually) respect. The implication I heard was “enough already, spare us all your recapitulations. other innocents in the world have been killed and no one mourns them”. I, too, am overwhelmed by the recounting and retelling. But the fact that other innocents have suffered and been killed does NOT diminish the pain of those who suffered here on September 11, 2001. Do NOT deny ANYONE the right to their grief, to their pain, to their memories, to their expressions of emotions.
My sister-in-law posted something that caught at me. She wrote: “Makes me wonder about all the people who lost loved ones on or around September 11, 2001, in ways unrelated to the terrorist attacks. Never thought about that until today.”
Loss is loss. Pain is pain.
We do need to heal the world to try to stop murder such as September 11, 2001 and all other such murders.
But people in pain need to mourn.
This post is poorly written and not very clear in its message. But I think what I might be trying to say is – Let the mourners mourn. Ignore the parts of the grieving that do not work for you, but do not belittle or deny the mourners. Start working to heal the world today, but understand that some people might not be able to join in that effort until tomorrow.


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