Endings

March 2017

This hurts much more than I expected. Every time I try to address the subject I start crying. It feels much worse for some reason than all the other times I wrote such a post. I don’t know why. We made the decision for WC yesterday that her heart could not make for her. Although she’s been through several cycles of us saying “maybe this is the time” and then recovering to be quite strong, Wednesday was different. Thursday morning my husband and I had no doubt – it was time. I called the vet as soon as they opened.

March 2016 – WC, GC, Mu

WC never liked to be held in our arms. She was a lap cat and a snuggle-up-close cat but being held was never her thing. When she was crying Thursday morning I wrapped her in a towel and held her. And that quieted her and seemed to comfort her. If I’d still doubted, that was the clearest indication.

Oh. Em. Gee. Yeah, I’m crying again. She was SUCH a beautiful girl. Her fur was like silk. No matter how she sat or slept or arranged herself she was adorable. I don’t know if it was the pink ears, nose and paw pads, but she was incapable of not looking adorable.

WC and GC 2005 – they really did look alike

Her litter mate was GC, who passed in August 2020. Almost immediately WC was diagnosed with the same ailments that had afflicted GC, one of them being a hyper-active thyroid. As we’ve been saying for 2 years now, WC was literally starving to death. So for 2+ years every time that little pink mouth meowed (or more often rrrowred at the top of her lungs) we fed her. I don’t know HOW BC is going to survive because she never had to learn to ask to be fed.

snuggling with her big brother – the look a mixture of long-suffering and comfort – 2005

WC liked us I suppose. I have millions of pictures of her on my husband’s lap or legs as he was reading. She loved to snuggle up to him on the couch while he read the Sunday paper. She even liked to cuddle with me when I napped. I often had a 2-cat blanket nap – WC and GC. She LOVED her dog. The dog’s nickname was Mu. Mu mommied WC from the time she arrived. If WC was meowing or fussing we’d say “Mu – go take care of your cat”. And Mu would go to WC and start nibbling her ears, giving her a Mu-doo. Whereas GC and their brother S used to have long-suffering expressions getting their Mu-doos, WC was in heaven. When Mu passed in 2017 WC was in a depression for weeks.

a cat who made sleeping look good – if there’s sun – sleep in it. 2015

Life with WC has been extremely difficult the last year or so, exacerbated by being forced into such close quarters for months while we renovated the 2nd floor (No, it’s NOT done. I don’t want to talk about it.) I started saying that her plan was to live one day past me, and then she would die saying “My work here is done.” *rueful smile* I thought that when this moment finally arrived, I’d be feeling relief and guilt for feeling relief. I don’t feel guilt. What I feel isn’t relief so much as a lifting of a burden. I’ve been hoping and praying that nature would take care of WC. That WC would be able, like GC and Mu, to go to sleep one night and let go. The vet told me yesterday that despite everything else going on, WC’s heartbeat was strong. WC was a fighter. WC was stubborn. By Golly WC KNEW what she was DUE and she was going to get it. But sometimes that strength can be a weakness. WC was 20 years and 4 months old. She probably had the strongest personality of any of our pets. She had so many quirks and “rules”. But we loved her. We love her. And oh my word, I miss her so darn much.

so typical – the dangling paw. 2005

OOTD 20150308

emotion and logic
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Sometimes those two can overlap, sometimes they are not even on the same screen. I am watching my mother suffer from medical issues that we cannot seem to alleviate. We have a theory of the cause and the progression. The solution appears beyond our grasp. I received some unexpected health information this past week. The timing was particularly poor. I expected to hear Result A. What I was told was Result B. Result B is what we believe to be the initial impetus for my mother’s condition. I was fatigued and still heavily medicated when I heard the result. Emotion rose up and throttled logic.

I know that just because I have B I may not end up like my mother. Millions of people have Result B and do not have my mother’s other issue. I know that my mother is older than I by several decades. Forewarned is forearmed and a lot can change in 30 years. I know all that. I know my doctors think that Result B is actually MUCH better than Result A because they think they can do something about B.

But.

It is not their parent lying in that bed, suffering. It is not, perhaps, their deepest fear to be trapped in a body that will not work as desired. There are compromises and there is flexibility and there is bowing to the inevitable and there is accepting life’s challenges with grace. I do understand all of that. You needn’t tell me. I KNOW. This is not about knowing. This is about feeling.
meeting of minds
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.
..

Sometimes Emotion and Logic align. I WILL ensure that I have the right to end my life with dignity when the time comes. That is my line in the sand. I’m not quitting. I’m going to continue to enjoy life and live it. I will catch the sun and sing it. But I will ensure that however, wherever, whenever the time comes – I will go gently into that good night.

OOTD 20150305

Life is what happens when you are making other plans. Or rather: Death is what happens when you are making other plans. I am watching the truly awful end to my mother’s life. Today I received MRI results that tell me I have started on the same path. I always thought I’d retire to the east coast shore region. Never did I ever think I’d have to move to Vermont or Switzerland.